


Moments You Can't Understand

by embroiderama



Series: Ben 'Verse [2]
Category: White Collar
Genre: Angst, Children, Family, Gen, Injury, Judaism, Single Parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-25
Updated: 2013-11-25
Packaged: 2018-01-02 15:59:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1058757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/embroiderama/pseuds/embroiderama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Neal gets injured in a sting gone wrong, and Peter has to deal with Ben's anxieties as well as his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Moments You Can't Understand

**Author's Note:**

> This is set two or three years after [Love Can Tell a Million Stories](http://embroiderama.livejournal.com/538624.html), and it's not going to make a whole lot of sense out of context but mainly you need to know that this is post-anklet and Neal has a son named Ben. The title is once again taken from the musical _Falsettos_.

Peter stood next to his car outside of Ben's school, waiting for Neal's son to show up in the flood of children who were heading toward their buses. He glanced down at his phone, both to check the time and to make sure that no new messages had come through while he was waiting. He was anxious to get going--not that he was looking forward to explaining to Ben that Neal had been injured in a sting that went sideways, but he wanted to get back to the hospital where hoped that Neal would be awake so that Peter could soothe his own worries about his consultant's well-being.

Neal was off the anklet, not a CI any longer, but Peter was pleased that he had decided to continue working for the FBI. Or he _had_ been pleased, because Neal did excellent work, but he'd begun to think that maybe he'd been wrong to encourage Neal to stay on as a consultant. Ben only had one parent, and maybe Neal should be safe in an office somewhere or a studio or anywhere that wasn't likely to involve running into people who'd want to hurt him.

And Peter loved Ben as much as if he were actual family, but he wasn't prepared to raise a child, especially one who'd been twice-orphaned--especially not when he and El would be grieving so much themselves. When Neal had finally been granted full custody of Ben, they had agreed to be designated as Ben's guardians in case the worst ever happened, but Peter never wanted to see that promise fulfilled. He stuck his phone back in his pocket and tried to shake off his worry because he didn't want to alarm Ben any more than he had to, and the fact was that Neal would almost certainly be fine.

Ben would normally be getting on a bus to his after-school program at the Jewish Community Center, but Peter had called to let them know that he would be absent from the program that day and probably for the rest of the week. Finally, Peter spotted Ben, and he walked closer, calling the boy's name. Ben stopped mid-step and stared at Peter for a moment then came running over with his eyes wide under his curly mop of dark hair. "Why're you here? Is my dad okay? Why--"

Peter put his hand on Ben's shoulder, and that seemed to upset him even more, his blue eyes filling with tears. "No, hey, your dad is going to be fine."

Ben nodded and sniffled then gave Peter a sharp look. " _Going to be?_ "

Peter pursed his lips and exhaled through his nose then nodded. "He got a little bit hurt but you don't need to worry. I'm going to take you to my house, and El should be home by then so you can spend some time with her, okay?"

Ben shook his head emphatically. "No! I want to see my dad." Before Peter could respond, Ben continued, his words gaining speed and volume. "My mom's friend came and took me to Nana's when my mom got h-hurt, and I never got to see her again. I never saw her again! I need to see MY DAD!" Ben took a couple of shuddering breaths and swallowed back tears, and Peter didn't know what to say. He put his hand on Ben's back and guided him toward the car.

When Ben was sitting down in the back seat, Peter crouched down to talk to him in the most calm and reassuring voice he could manage. "This isn't anything like what happened to your mom. Your dad got hurt, and he might have to be in the hospital tonight, but it's nothing, nothing like that." Peter hoped like hell he wasn't lying. "But I'll take you to the hospital if you want me to. We might have to wait around a while, so it might be boring, and your dad might look a little bit scary but I'll take you if you want."

"I'm not a little kid." Ben wiped his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. He was ten years old and so very young, but it was true that he wasn't the same little boy Peter had first met in his Nana's tiny apartment. "I want. To see. My dad."

Peter didn't have the heart to say no. "Okay. Put on your seatbelt, and we'll go right now."

Ben nodded and pulled the seatbelt down over his chest, and Peter went around to the driver's side door. He really, really, hoped that fate didn't make him into a liar.

~~~

Soon after Peter and Ben arrived at the hospital, Neal's doctor came out looking for Peter. Ben glared balefully but agreed to stay in his seat while the grown-ups talked several feet away.

"What's going on?" Peter grimaced at the memory of the gunshot that had taken Neal down without any warning. Blood had welled up out of his leg onto the sidewalk while Neal struggled to remain conscious. Peter never wanted to see that look in Neal's eyes again.

"Mr. Caffrey is resting comfortably."

"He's going to be okay?"

The doctor nodded. "He'll need some physical therapy for his leg once the wound heals, but the bullet didn't fracture the bone. The most significant problem was blood loss from the affected artery, but the surgery went well and we didn't have to keep him under very long. He'll need to rest for a while, but he may be discharged as early as the day after tomorrow and I expect he'll make a full recovery."

Peter ran his hand over his face, slightly shaky from relief. "That's good news. Thank you." Peter looked back at Ben, who was looking down at a small tablet. "I have Neal's son with me. Will we be able to see him?"

The doctor glanced over at Ben then nodded. "Briefly. He needs to rest so I recommend you go home after that, but you can go back. Room 816."

Peter shook the doctor's hand then went to sit next to Ben. "We can go see your dad when you're ready."

Ben looked up, biting his lip. "Is he okay?"

Peter nodded. "He might be asleep, and he needs to stay here tonight, but the doctor said he would be fine." Some of the fear disappeared from Ben's face, but he still looked tense and Peter couldn't help reaching out to rub a hand over his back. "Your dad's probably going to be attached to some machines back there, but don't worry about it. They're just helping him feel better."

"I know that. I'm not stupid." Ben straightened his back and stood up. "Do we have to wait?"

"No, we can go now." Peter stood and led Ben down the hallway to Neal's room. Peter took a deep breath before opening the door, and he looked down to see Ben doing the same. Peter raised his eyebrows, Ben nodded, and they opened the door together.

Inside the room, Neal looked like he was asleep, his eyes closed in his pale face. He was hooked up to a couple of IVs and some monitors but he was breathing on his own and he'd lost the panicked, pained look he'd had before the ambulance took him away. Peter kept his hand lightly on Ben's shoulder as they walked closer to the bed, and he could hear the boy's uneven breathing.

"Dad?" Ben asked in a very small voice, and Neal's eyes opened to a slit. He smiled blearily and held out the hand that wasn't connected to IVs. Ben walked closer but didn't take Neal's hand.

Neal scrunched his eyebrows together and said, "Hey c'mere," in a rough whisper. He opened and closed his fingers slowly, and Ben haltingly walked over to take Neal's hand. Standing behind Ben, Peter couldn't see the boy's face but he saw Neal frown sympathetically. "I'm okay," he said in a weak voice that made it sound like a lie.

"You will be," Peter said, stepping closer. He put his hand on the knee of Neal's uninjured leg and squeezed gently. "And don't worry about Ben. He'll be with me."

Neal nodded and made eye contact with Peter for a few seconds. "Thank you."

Peter squeezed Neal's leg again. "Just rest." Neal looked back at Ben and smiled wanly as he passed out again. Neither Peter nor Ben moved for a minute or two, but then Peter let go of Neal and put his hand back on Ben's shoulder. "We should leave."

"Can I just stay for a couple of minutes? By myself?"

Peter didn't like it, but he didn't see any harm in giving Ben some space. "Okay, just a few minutes. I'll be out in the hallway."

Outside the room, Peter called to update Mozzie, who was out of town but on his way back, and June, and then he called El to let her know they'd be on their way soon. There were practical things to think of--they'd need to stop at Neal's apartment to get some clothes and things for Ben, and in the morning Ben would need a ride to school. Peter was sure the boy wouldn't want to go, but staying at the hospital all day wasn't an option for either one of them. Before Peter grew impatient enough to look inside, Ben walked out into the hallway looking less upset than he had before.

"Are you ready to go pick up some things from home?"

Ben nodded, and they made their way through the hospital hallways and out to Peter's car. The drive back to Brooklyn was quiet, and after a while Peter broke the silence to ask the question he'd had on his mind. "So what were you doing after I left you in there?"

"Praying," Ben answered, with the I-don't-want-to-talk-about-it tone Peter recognized from Neal.

"Okay." Peter wished he could believe that prayer would do any good, but he certainly wouldn't begrudge the kid whatever kind of grounding or comfort he could find.

At Neal's apartment, Peter felt odd going inside with just Ben, but Ben relaxed somewhat in the familiar environment. Peter asked Ben to pack his clothes and whatever else he'd need for the next few days then went into Neal's bedroom to pack some casual clothes for Neal to wear home from the hospital. Pushing past Neal's suits in the closet made Peter think of the way things could have gone, the worst case scenario in which he would've come to choose Neal's final outfit. Peter shivered and thought again of what that would do to Ben. Something had to change. As Peter packed up Neal's toiletries, he knew that it was long past time for that change to be made.

The drive to Peter and El's new house was longer than it had been to the old townhouse on Dekalb, but rush hour was over and very soon Peter was parking on the street out front, glad to see the lights on inside and El's car in the tiny driveway. The new house didn't have quite the same character and charm as the old one, but it was quieter and allowed them to spread out a little bit more. There were fewer stairs, a small fenced yard in the back and two full bathrooms, one of them on the first floor. They had ripped out the 80s carpeting and the 60s wood paneling, and thanks to El the new house felt like home.

Peter grabbed his briefcase along with Ben's and Neal's bags then shepherded Ben up to the front door. Ben had been to the house without Neal before, even overnight once, but the situation was different and Peter couldn't blame the kid for being nervous. As soon as they got inside the light and warmth of the house, El greeted Peter with a quick kiss then bent down to fold Ben into a hug and Peter was hit with thirty pounds of excited puppy.

Holly was six months old, a shaggy, brown mutt he and El had adopted when living without a dog had come to feel worse than the idea of trying to replace Satchmo. Lucky for them, Holly was her own dog, not a replacement, and Peter couldn't help loving her. He gave himself a moment to hold onto her a little more tightly than usual then stood up and saw El watching him with a sad smile.

"So, I have dinner for you guys," El said, turning toward the kitchen. "We can get you settled in upstairs after that, okay Ben?"

Ben nodded sullenly and went to sit in his customary seat at the table. El had gone for a simple meal, baked pasta with chicken, but Ben did little more than pick at it. By the time Peter was nearly finished eating, Ben had barely made a dent in his food and El reached over to touch his wrist.

"At least drink your milk, if you're not hungry."

Ben shrugged then drank the milk and pushed his seat back. "Can I be excused?"

"Of course."

They both watched as Ben ran off toward the stairs, and Peter saw his own worry reflected in El's face. He put his fork down and leaned back. "I can't stop thinking about the what-ifs here."

"Oh, hon. I know, but I think we're going to have enough to do here without spending energy on things that didn't happen."

"You're right." Peter sighed. "Speaking of things we have to deal with, do you think you can drop Ben off at school tomorrow morning?"

El pursed her lips. "I could, but I don't think that's a great idea. Can you imagine him trying to concentrate on school? I called Hannah, and she offered to keep him for the day."

"Do you think she's up for it?"

"Ben doesn't need somebody to take care of him during the day--he just needs to be somewhere safe. With family."

"You're right, of course. Thank you."

"That's what I'm here for." El gave him a small smile, and Peter reached out to take her hand.

~~~

The night went calmly, and in the morning Peter left early. El would be dropping Ben off with Mrs. Goldbaum, and Peter needed to stop at the hospital to check on Neal before his first meeting of the day. He didn't know how alert Neal would be, but he brought Neal's Kindle along with a robe and slippers just in case he wanted them.

Neal was awake when Peter arrived in his room--awake and irritated at having been woken up when the doctors came in to check up on him during morning rounds. He grumbled about the interns for a moment then stopped and looked up at Peter. "Wait, Ben? Is he okay?" Neal started to sit up further but Peter put a hand on his shoulder to keep him down.

"He's fine. El is taking him over to his nana's for the day."

"Okay. Okay." Neal nodded. He was still pale, but not the terrible whiteness of the day before, and from what Peter could understand of the monitor displays he didn't have a fever or anything else alarming going on. "I can't believe this happened. I don't know--"

Neal was getting too agitated for a man stuck in bed so Peter held onto his shoulder again and squeezed lightly. "Hey, don't get yourself so worked up. Ben's worried about you, but he's okay. Are they still talking about letting you go home tomorrow?"

"That's what the doctor said." Neal still looked troubled.

"Listen, I want you to come back to my place, at least for a few days. You're going to be on crutches and needing to rest--we can set you up on the first floor."

"I'll be okay in my apartment."

"I know you'd be okay there, but you're not going to be able to do much without hurting yourself. If you stay with us, we can help out with Ben."

"I can take care of my son."

"Neal." Peter sighed. "I know you can. But if something goes wrong--if you fall and rip your stitches or worse--do you want Ben to be the one dealing with it."

Neal's eyes widened and he looked away. "No," he said quietly.

"So you'll come stay with me and El?"

Neal looked back, and Peter hated the worry in his eyes. "Yes. Thank you."

Peter patted Neal's shoulder. "Thank me by doing what they tell you to do. And don't even think about trying to pull an escape."

Neal's mouth turned up in a slight smile. "Promise."

"Okay. I'll be by again later. Is there anything you need?"

"To go home."

"Soon. Just rest."

Neal's eyes were already closing as he nodded, and Peter watched him for a minute before turning to leave.

For most of the day, Peter was too busy to spend much time worrying about Neal or Ben. He had meetings scheduled, and in between them he was busy wrapping up the case that had ended with Neal being shot the day before. It was too easy to imagine how the situation could have been worse--the shot tearing apart Neal's artery so that he bled out before the ambulance could get there--and that mental image was inevitably followed by the image of Ben's face, what he would look like after Peter shattered his world. When the most important work was done, Peter left for the hospital, eager to remind himself that Neal would be fine.

He was expecting to find Neal either asleep or bored and irritable, but when he opened the door to Neal's room he found that Neal wasn't alone at all. Mrs. Goldbaum sat in the room's only chair, and Ben was perched on the edge of the bed. A hand-drawn card sat on the table next to the bed along with a stylish floral arrangement that was no doubt from June. "Well, this is a surprise," Peter said, trying for a tone somewhere between pleasantly startled and mildly concerned. "I thought we were supposed to let you rest during the day."

Neal gave Peter a small, somewhat guilty smile. "I told them it was okay when I called to check up on Ben."

"He is mishpocheh. Family," Mrs. Goldbaum said with a sharp nod of her head. "We should visit."

Peter saw Neal blink in surprise at being claimed as family by Ben's great-grandmother, and he couldn't help being glad that Neal had visitors, even if he looked tired and uncomfortable. "How did you two get here?"

"Mozzie brought them. You know he can't stand to be in here for more than a few minutes, but he'll come back when they need a ride home."

"I can take you both home. That's not a problem."

Peter stayed for a while, and when he saw Neal struggling to stay awake he caught Mrs. Goldbaum's eye, and she told Ben that it was time to leave.

"I want to stay," Ben said, looking at Neal and then back over at Hannah and Peter. "I'll be quiet."

"Hey." Neal sounded exhausted as he reached out to put his hand in Ben's hair. "Listen, I want you to go to school tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll get home--back to Peter and El's house--before you do, and you can stay with me on Friday. Okay?"

Ben looked down. "But I don't want to go to school," he said quietly.

"I don't--" Neal paused, blinking heavily. "--want you to get behind."

Neal looked like he was holding on to wakefulness with his fingernails but before Peter could say anything Hannah stepped in. "Listen to your father, bubbeleh. It is time to go."

Ben frowned, but he finally conceded. "Okay."

Neal was already asleep, so Peter pulled up his blanket then helped Mrs. Goldbaum out of her chair. Ben followed them out of the room, literally dragging his feet until she tsked and sent him a pointed look. Still, Ben clearly hated leaving his father behind, and Peter couldn't blame him even if leaving was the best thing for everyone. El was planning to stop by and see Neal after a dinner event she was managing, and Peter reminded himself that if anything went wrong the hospital would call him.

Peter got Mrs. Goldbaum back to her building in time for the dinner service then got Ben to choose what kind of take-out food they would get, in the hopes that Ben would be more likely to eat something he'd chosen. The ploy worked and, if Neal probably wouldn't be thrilled with the idea of Ben eating a dinner almost entirely composed of egg rolls, Peter thought that at least there were vegetables inside. Sort of.

Ben kept to himself for the rest of the evening, coming out of his shell only when El came home from visiting Neal. He accepted a hug--passed on from Neal, El said--then slumped off to his bedroom. Peter got a beer from the fridge and leaned against the counter while El opened a bottle of wine.

"I don't know what to do for him."

"Aw, hon, the only thing we can do is give him a comfortable place to be. He's not going to be happy until Neal's home and doing better." El poured her wine and took a sip. "That's something the two of you have in common, I think."

"I just keep thinking about how it would be right now for him, for all of us, if--"

"Don't." El put her hand on Peter's and slipped her fingers between his. "Don't go there."

"I can't help it." Peter closed his eyes and sighed, only to startle when El poked him in the ribs.

"You better help it, mister. Ben doesn't need to get the idea that you're worried, and Neal doesn't either. He's feeling guilty about Ben being upset and about coming to stay here, too."

"Well that's just stupid."

"There's a lot of that going around."

Peter put his beer bottle down, plucked El's wine glass from her fingers and pulled her close. He buried his nose in her hair and held on, feeling her chest move against his as she breathed, and he slowly let his own breathing come into sync. Right there, he could believe that everything was okay.

~~~

Neal was discharged late the next morning and sent home with crutches, prescriptions and a fistful of instructions. At least for the next few days, he would need somebody to spot him when he moved around in case he got dizzy and lost his balance on the crutches, and they'd need to change his bandages and keep an eye on his temperature to make sure he didn't get an infection. Neal had follow-up appointments and physical therapy in his future, but the doctor reiterated that he expected Neal would make a full recovery. He'd been lucky. Again.

The new house had a room on the first floor that had originally been a small bedroom. Peter was using it as an office, but with his desk pushed into a corner there was enough room to move in a bed for Neal. He could have navigated the stairs slowly and with help, especially since the staircase that was much wider and less steep than the one in the old house, but avoiding that seemed like a better idea. Neal was shaking with exhaustion by the time he got inside the house, so Peter led him back to his room, past the living room where Holly was circling excitedly in her crate, and settled him in the bed.

"I know there wasn't a bed in here before." Neal looked around the room, uncertain.

"No, but this works better right now." Peter left Neal and came back with a glass of water and a small bowl of orange slices. "Just relax. It's only a few hours until Ben gets out of school, and I'll wake you up when I'm leaving to go get him." Peter turned to leave the room but he stopped at the sound of Neal's voice.

"Wait." Neal was plainly exhausted but he looked too troubled to sleep.

"What's wrong?"

Neal breathed out an unfunny laugh. "A lot of things. I can't thank you enough for being there for Ben."

Peter sat down on the end of Neal's bed and sighed. "I care about your son, and I'll do anything I can to help. I told you that when he first came into your life, and it's not going to change."

"Thank you," Neal said quietly.

Peter watched Neal pick at the orange slices and decided to take this opening. "Some things do need to change though."

Neal looked up. "What do you mean?"

"I can't put you in the field again. I can't put you at risk when I know what it would do to Ben." Peter let out an unsteady breath. "I can't do it."

Neal ran a hand over his face. "I--I'm not sure that I can argue with that right now. I don't know about later though. I don't really like it either way."

"Well, you're going to be out of action for a little while, on desk duty once your doctor releases you to go back to work. For now, just focus on taking care of yourself."

"And Ben."

"And Ben." Peter stood up and patted Neal's good leg. "Okay, do you need a pain pill?"

"I'm good." Neal squirmed down under the covers, and Peter turned out the light but left the door cracked open.

A few hours later, Peter picked up Ben from school and brought home a boy who was far more animated than he'd been the day before. He started with a question as soon as he got into the car. "Did you take my dad home?"

"To my house, yes I did."

"Is he okay?"

"He's still pretty tired and sore, but he's doing well. He's going to be happy to see you."

"Could we--nevermind."

"What?" Peter looked in the rearview mirror and saw Ben fiddling with the zipper on his jacket. "Is there something you want to do before we go home?"

"I kind of want to get my dad a present. I have money on a gift card from Nana."

"I don't want us to be gone too long, but we can stop somewhere, sure. What do you have in mind?"

"Um, there's a toy store down the street."

"A toy store?" Peter thought about pointing out that this was supposed to be a present for Neal, not Ben, but he had a feeling Neal would be happy with whatever Ben picked out. "Okay, sure. Do you think you can get your shopping done within ten minutes?"

"Uh-huh."

"Why don't you let me pay so you can keep your gift card?"

"No." Ben was adamant. "I want to use my _own_ money."

"Let me know if you need me to pitch in." Peter parked and shadowed Ben as he ran inside. The store was small, so Peter lingered near the front, checking messages on his phone. Before he knew it, he saw Ben approaching in his peripheral vision and looked up to see that he was holding a store-wrapped package, its contents hidden by colored tissue paper and curled ribbons. "Well, that was quick."

Ben shrugged. "I knew what I wanted. Can we go?"

"Of course." When they were in the car and back on their way home, Peter gave into his curiosity. "So, what did you get?"

"A bear in a business suit," Ben said, like the answer should have been obvious if only Peter were paying attention.

"That sounds perfect." Peter smiled, glad that Ben couldn't see him. It was bizarre to think of Neal with a teddy bear, but as Peter had to keep reminding himself Neal was far from the rakish playboy he'd been when they first met. He had dedicated himself to being a parent with the same focus that had once made him a man who could break into any safe, any lock, and as far as Peter knew he hadn't strayed to the other side of the law since Ben came into his life. Neal deserved a break from the danger he had courted for so many years.

When Peter pulled up in front of the house, Ben bolted from the back seat with his backpack and toy store bag in hand. He stood on the front stoop, bouncing up and down on his toes while he looked back and forth between the car and the house, waiting for Peter to catch up.

Peter fished out his house key then paused. "I set up your dad's bed in my office, but go easy, okay? Don't jump on the bed."

"Okay, okay." Ben bounced more quickly, vibrating with energy, and as soon as the door was open he ran inside, straight back to the open door of Neal's temporary bedroom. Peter followed and winced at the pain that flashed over Neal's face as Ben hopped onto the bed, but that pain was quickly replaced by a calm smile as he wrapped his arms around his son. Peter hadn't seen that kind of peace on Neal's face since before the hospital, before his injury.

Peter felt like a voyeur, an intruder in his own house, so he left them to their reunion and went to let Holly out of her crate. He stood in the back yard watching her run around then fed her dinner before going to check on Neal and Ben.

Ben was was sitting on Neal's uninjured side, so close he was almost in Neal's lap, and the nattily dressed teddy bear was wedged in between them. Ben was holding his tablet, chatting enthusiastically about something that had happened at school, and Neal paid rapt attention, only glancing up once to acknowledge Peter's presence. Soon, it would be time for Neal to take another dose of his pills, which would almost certainly knock him out, but Peter wasn't in any hurry to remind him because for the moment he thought Neal had just about everything he needed right there next to him.

**Author's Note:**

> This story has a timestamp [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2166360/chapters/4737639).


End file.
